Life is so sweet:)

Wow, it’s January 25, 2011, and umm, I haven’t been doing so well keeping my New Mommy journal . . . oh well, I’m here now!

So, I went back to work the last week in October, just in time for the holiday season, and it was both easier and harder than I imagined it would be. It was a great time of year to go back, because it was so broken up, so I had a couple of mini-breaks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. And I found that it was good to get out of the house and see people! It was lovely seeing all my students and colleagues again, and little by little realizing that life can and will settle back into something resembling what normal used to be. At the same time, it was really hard leaving my little guy, knowing that I wouldn’t see him until late at night, or possibly not until the next morning, since he’s such a great sleeper:) It’s really made me examine my day-to-day activities, making more conscious choices about what is and isn’t important. I fear that my work life has suffered a bit because each time I’m faced with a choice between returning that email or call and spending quality time with Calan, I really can’t help but choose Calan. When it’s just the two of us, it really feels like the whole world falls away, and as long as he’s fed and rested and played with, everything will be ok, no matter how late that bill is . . . oops!

Not that I haven’t had my moments of super control-freak anxiety, or occasional emotional break-downs, but as Calan is a more and more consistent sleeper, and I am more and more healed (you’d think you would be completely healed after five and a half months, but let me tell you, it’s a long recovery unless you have a staff taking care of everything, and even then . . . women who are back to all normal activity after 6-8 weeks are crazy freaks of nature and I’m green with envy), things are getting almost . . . easy. I’m afraid to say it, because the law is that as soon as everything is easy, something happens to make it impossible again. But in this quiet moment in January, the dead of winter (70 and sunny here in SoCal), I feel like I’ve passed some milestone of Mommydom. I kind of feel like I know what I’m doing, and that if I don’t, I can find out easily enough, and it’s really not a big deal.

I guess what I’m saying is that I feel like me again. Yes, an overweight, always slightly tired version of myself, but me nonetheless. I’m really enjoying life . . . life with Calan . . . life with Tyson . . . work life . . . quiet, boring, everyday life. Little things, like the jigsaw puzzle of Starry Night I work on at the breakfast table. Listening to Tyson talk to Calan at 11pm through the baby monitor, as they settle in for the last meal of the day while I drift off to sleep. The newest season of The Bachelor (yes, I admit I’m an addict). Listening to Calan “talk” in the morning, through the baby monitor (he doesn’t cry anymore in the a.m., just patiently hangs out in his crib until I come in to start the day). Talking with Tyson about the books he’s reading. Making plans for our present, and our future. Getting irritated by whatever irritating thing the neighbors are doing these days. Wishing winter would return, but kind of enjoying this early “spring”. The ham, yams, and greens we had for dinner. But most of all, Calan’s smile, and Calan’s laugh. Yes, this is the very best of it all. If Calan laughs, it’s a good day no matter what, and I’m happy. And life feels just about as sweet as it could possibly be:)