Priorities

Hello everyone who is reading this (even if it’s just you, Mom:)! This is to be my little record of the random thoughts running through my head as I try to do something I’m quite convinced I can’t do – be a mom. Please be forewarned that my brain isn’t running on all cylinders, and while I promise to do my best to be articulate, I’m not sure I will actually succeed. But I know you all understand, especially those of you who have been down this road before.

Calan’s arrival has, of course, been THE biggest thing ever to happen to either of us. And, as they say, a life worth living is worth writing about. Is that what they say? I’m pretty sure I’m not quoting correctly . . . and I just googled it to see, but quickly ran out of patience . . . Anyway, so I’m writing, something I love to do, and really don’t take any time to do. Tyson is always bugging me about it, and about the fact that life is short and I never will have enough time, so I just need to do it already. And he’s right. I was standing over Calan’s crib about an hour ago, wondering what the heck I could pull out of my bag of tricks to make the little guy drift off to sleep so I could take a shower and brush my teeth, and maybe exercise, and maybe clean the pump so I can start banking milk, and catch up on work email (for those of you who don’t know, Calan came two weeks early, and I wasn’t prepared for my leave yet), and . . . well, the list goes on. I was actually contemplating just leaving him there because he seemed fine. He’d just been fed and diapered and cuddled. And I almost did leave him, but then the thought crossed my mind that this is just way too much work, and these moments of being awake and happy and not eating are just too rare (not to mention, I worry about stunting his development by not taking advantage of his “quiet alert” periods) to waste on leaving him alone with a mobile spinning and a rainstorm in the background. And he’s only going to be this little for a minute (this makes me simultaneously sad and relieved). So, I read “Mommy Loves Me” three times, then rocked him to sleep, but of course, the minute I put him down, he was wide awake again, so I gave up, and struck a compromise – I gave him to Dad. By the way, Dad (Tyson), is GREAT with the little guy, but at this particular moment he was working and couldn’t actually play – seemed better than being alone, though. And now I really should be in the shower, or asleep, or doing any number of urgent tasks. Instead, I’m writing about it all, and I guess that’s ok, because life is short, and I do want to remember the little stuff, and I don’t want to look back and wish I’d written more, just like I didn’t want to look back and wish that I had read “Mommy Loves Me” instead of answering email. It looks like my first lesson in being a mom is going to be about prioritizing and truly recognizing what is important right now.

Speaking of which, it’s quiet upstairs, and I think my window for a shower, or a walk, or whatever,  is quickly closing. Oh yeah, I think the priority is brushing my teeth. I’ll do that.